Compassion: Turning Toward Connection
If contempt is intimacy's insidious killer, compassion is the first step to its restoration. But what is compassion? What does it look like in the context of our intimate spaces? Fundamentally compassion is the capacity to show kindness and empathy while believing the best about the other’s internal world.
Most of us would like to believe that we have a kind and empathetic view of the world. But when we start to look with some level of granularity at our story, we will begin to realize that our lives are filled with judgment and vitriol. Interestingly enough, our indictments are not exclusively others directed; we are as quick to cast aspersions on ourselves as we are on others. To escape the clutches of contempt, we must orient with compassion toward ourselves, toward our inner world; so that we can be free to offer kindness to others.
Self-Directed Compassion
"I shouldn't need a break! There are tons of people who have it worse than I do." I have heard some variation of this idea scores, if not hundreds, of times. Nearly any time you "should" on yourself (which by the way is hilarious when you say it out loud), you are moving away from compassion. It is a statement of condemnation that suggests you're not good enough, that you need to be more than you are.
When life is challenging, contempt and judgment would say that we should get over it, move on, and overcome. There is a space to put aside discomfort and focus on the task at hand, but this is hardly a solution to dealing with difficult seasons in life. Our emotions offer us data to understand those parts of life that are not empirical; we ignore them at our peril.
Compassion in this context means slowing down and taking seriously the experienced realities of our emotions and what they are saying. Looking at our week, season, or phase of life, we may realize that we've been going non-stop for an extended period; something humans are not designed to do. We may be trying to sit in the tension of some complicated relationships or significant demands at work; perhaps we are still dealing with the death of a close friend or family member. All of these things will deplete our reserves and limit our capacity for normal functioning.
Compassion means acknowledging that we are stretched thin, trying to live beyond our limits and capabilities. And in light of this reality, giving ourselves the grace to attend to only those things that genuinely require our attention right now. It could mean that we stay home Sunday from church to rest, recuperate and restore. It could mean taking a long shower, giving yourself permission to be sad and cry, or relax and let go of your stress. Whatever, compassion looks like in your life it will have three necessary components: kindness, openhandedness, and space.
Other-Directed Compassion
When we give ourselves a break from excessive expectation and judgment, we create the space to offer those same graces to others. In fact, a lack of self-compassion tends to generate a lack of other-centered compassion, which then reinforces our harsh view of ourselves: a self-perpetuating system of destructive engagement. Other-Directed compassion means fundamentally letting go of judgment and criticism, believing that the person that you're interacting with is doing the best they can in their current circumstance. It means giving others the benefit of the doubt, offering them the dignity that we so often desire. In the same way, we let go of the "shoulds" for ourselves we can release those we love from the "shoulds" that we've placed on them. Freedom from these expectations, spoken or otherwise, creates the space in which repair and restoration can be cultivated and fostered.
The Path to Connection
Contempt is the antithesis of connection; it obstructs and erodes intimacy. Compassion is the first step toward the restoration of relationship. It opens the door to offering dignity and respect to ourselves and others. In the space created by compassion, we have the opportunity to explore each other's worlds with curiosity and kindness. As we engage this posture, we must do so with courage, knowing that we may not always find a response commensurate with our own approach. With compassion, curiosity, and courage, we generate a space where we can creatively engage with our partner, friends, or family to weave our hopes, dreams, and desires together to foster connection.