Curiosity
Contempt is an open grave waiting to devour our most valued and intimate relationships. Allowing contempt to take hold of our relationships in and through defensiveness, criticism and stonewalling (rounding out John Gottman's Four Horseman of the Apocalypse), is the death knell for most any connection. These movements poison the wells of our souls, contaminating and corrupting the bonds and ties of our most sacred connections.
Even though contempt can be wildly destructive, it's malicious presence can be checked through the intentional cultivation of compassion which can restore the affectionate bonds of intimacy and connection that are so critical to our human experience. But compassion alone can, at times, feel patronizing and distancing. It can feel like, "Oh you poor thing, that is so hard!" And if the empathy stops there, our 'compassionate' friend stops short of stepping into our journey with us. Now we feel the shame of having our experience exposed, without a willing party to journey with us.
Enter Curiosity
What is curiosity? For our purposes, curiosity is a posture of openness and genuine interest in and for the inner workings, experience, and feelings of another in the navigation of their story. When coupled with compassion, curiosity invites a real and authentic exploration of our own and another's experience. It is an invitation to co-travel through each other's story with the specific intention of joining and understanding each other's journey.
A word of caution here; curiosity without compassion will almost certainly diminish one's experience of being cared for; this tends to foster a feeling of clinical sterility, rather than connection. Therefore, to develop and foster a real and lasting bond, ideally, all participants in a relationship must encourage both compassion and curiosity with the aim of deeper intimacy.
When we first meet each other, especially in the romantic context, the compassionate presence of curiosity is palpable. There is intense interest in the inner life of the prospective friend or partner. As we discover more and more about each other, we are surprised by our commonality, intrigued by our differences and eager to learn and understand more of who this person is, and who we are with them. That's right, we discover more of ourselves as we come to know someone else! The most profound experience of ourselves will almost always be encountered in the face of another.
Familiarity Breeds Contempt
Too often as a relationship grows, familiarity causes our curiosity to fade, replacing it with a contempt-like orientation that a friend or partner will always respond in the same way and will never grow or change. Unfortunately, this often leads to intractable patterns of dysfunction that become self-perpetuating. In the absence of curiosity, our compassion becomes a self-serving way to distance ourselves from our companion. Subsequently, life begins to drain from the relationship, leaving it brittle and inflexible.
The Rescue of curiosity
There is no doubt that relationships in your life have drifted into this space. These spaces feel unsafe, hostile and cold. At this point, it is useful to turn the orientation of curiosity in on your own heart and mind: When did my relationship start to cool? What was going on in my life? What were the thoughts I entertained regarding my friend or partner? What was I looking for from them? What did I need?
If you're certain you know how your friend or partner would respond to an olive-branch, it is useful to ask, "When did my curiosity fade?" If you have ceased to wonder what your partner or friend was thinking or feeling, when and why did that happen?
The other day I was out talking to a friend when I realized that I was thirty minutes late and I had a fifteen-minute drive to get home. I was convinced that my wife was going to be angry because I was late (again). I got in my car and I hesitated, wanting to call to let her know I was on my way home and that I was sorry for being late. But I realized that my internal posture was one of bracing for conflict (a pattern that I've experienced in other relationships). I decided to relax take a deep breath, and let her know open-handedly that I was on my way home and that I was sorry for being late. I was genuinely curious about how she would respond, and it turned out that she was thankful for the time. She was able to take that space and engage in something restorative for her.
Letting go of my assumptions created room for restoration and connection that would have otherwise been suffocated by judgemental expectation. What would have almost certainly been a conflict was turned into a genuine gift for both my wife and I because of an open and compassionate posture of curiosity.
Invitation to Connection
Contempt is a poison for the soul. Compassion and curiosity, when joined together, are the antidote and revitalizing agent for growth and development in the cultivation of intimacy and connection. When you experience compassionate curiosity, you feel permission for your heart to show up, to be present. When invited in the service of curiosity, the relational space discovered is found to be surprisingly spacious and safe for your heart.