Men are suffering
We need look no further than the rates of suicide, violence, addiction, sexual deviance, and escapism rampant in our society to see evidence of this. In spite of our "privileged" status, men are struggling to find and maintain meaningful, authentic, and sustained connections.
How is this possible in a society that by all accounts is more connected than ever? The answer is not difficult to find. Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly (2012), described an interaction with a man regarding shame. He said, "My wife and daughters...they'd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real. But c'mon. You can't stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that." The truth is simple, the vulnerable and authentic parts of men are not welcome in our culture.
More than Sex
While some people acknowledge that men have unique needs, our culture has said that the majority of those needs are either base, erotic or both. In fact, adult men often experience very little affection apart from their primary partner or erotic encounters leaving them vulnerable to having their needs denied, or ignored if they fail to initiate.
Men have to work hard to meet their needs. But there is a culturally induced shame associated with the very existence of masculine needs. Men have been cast as sexually driven, shallow and interested in nothing more than hedonistic conquest at the expense of their partners, but in actuality, they are merely trying in whatever way they can to meet the needs burning in their chest. Ironically, the partners of men also suffer because society has told them that sex is the primary way that men can meet their intimacy needs. So partners work to fulfill all the sexual desires that a man has, but in the process miss his genuine connection needs behind his sexuality.
The Bind
So we "man up." We put on a good face, one that will be acceptable to both the intimate and distant parts of our world. All the while hiding our face, ashamed of the fact that we are experiencing pain and challenge in the first place. We revisit our failures a million times to find how we could have avoided such defeat in the first place. We walk through life as though it were a minefield designed to expose our weaknesses, desperately attempting to hide the truth of our nakedness. Failing that, we steel ourselves to avoid any future failure, perceived or actual.
It is a rare space where a man can authentically show up. Church groups try to offer this, but too often it turns into an opportunity to fix anyone that presents with a genuine struggle. Or, rather than providing tangible presence, everyone merely validates his battle by admitting that they too struggle and push past the discomfort of exposure attempting to discuss something inane to deal with the awkwardness. The sports bar seems to be a possible space for masculine connection, but it also fails to let men remove the uniforms of their perspective sports teams or the social caricatures required of them.
In actuality, the precious few spaces that allow for men to be genuine and authentic are those spaces that are intentionally cultivated as such. All too often, this is the counseling office, the coffee shop, or the dark corner of the bar accompanied by a man strong enough to sit with weakness.
Cultivate the Space
Men, we need to work hard to rediscover and cultivate the spaces and the relationships that we need for wholeness. From this space of integration, we will have more to offer to our workplaces, families, partners, and friends.
THREE BASIC IDEAS FOR CULTIVATING INTIMACY
- Listening - If you consistently talk more than you hear when you get together with your friend(s), you're likely self-absorbed or a fixer.
- Compassion - Offer kindness, avoid judgment, and believe the best about his (and your) inner world.
- Curiosity - Ask questions to understand and invite your friend, rather than telling him how to change or fix.
Embrace Need and Vulnerability
Men need intimacy, not just sex. We need intimate connection with our partners, with our friends, with our families, and with our communities. This post is not an invitation to deny your strength or the masculine soul. Instead, it is an invitation to embrace the power required to admit our limits and live within our capacity, connected and known, joining with others in the ebb and flow of life, living together as co-contributors in our respective stories. So let's cultivate a space where we can dismount, get off our "white horse," remove our armor and share our true self, revoking the shame of our neediness and embracing those needs as the most profound strengths of our shared humanity.