Creativity: Weaving Your Stories Together

Creativity: Weaving Your Stories Together

Contempt relentlessly erodes relationships. Compassion and curiosity provide a posture that undermines contempt. And courage is needed to maintain this posture, both toward ourselves, and others. 

And this is where things get exciting: With compassion, curiosity, and courage in place, a new horizon opens up before us!  No longer are we relegated to spaces of repair, trying to put out the relational fires. Instead, we get to come together to participate in and interweave our stories mutually and creatively. 

Creativity requires three fundamental things:

1. Knowledge - Of self and others
2. Flexibility - Letting go of expectations while honoring our desire
3. Wonder - Acknowledging the beautiful harmonies of your new story

Knowledge

Knowledge of self and others is a prerequisite to the interweaving that is possible in creative engagement. We must know our hopes, dreams, and desires and to bring them to bear in a significant way. The vulnerable offering of this self-knowledge is the vital first step in inviting someone into our story through the sincere offering of our most authentic self. Likewise, we must have some understanding of our partner's (or friend's) inner world, as they vulnerably offer themselves in an effort to integrate their life-story with ours.

Flexibility

Flexibility is a beautiful movement resulting from the creative interweaving of two stories. An open-handed posture is essential as we invite each other to be fully present in the co-authoring of our new narrative. There is indeed a beautiful freedom inherent in the tension of letting go of expectation while remaining true to desire. Can I be openhanded in finding avenues to meet my desires in ways that I have not yet considered? The dynamic of two stories coming together results in a synergistic combination, a new song singing forth in harmonies yet undiscovered.

Wonder

Wonder, or awe, is the response invited by creativity. It is not so much about what has been, or what is, but what could be. It is the humble acknowledgment of the holy ground that is intimate relationship. As knowledge of ourselves and others is cultivated and our hopes and dreams are interwoven, undiscovered pathways to new horizons emerge before us.

Deeper Life and Connection in the Deeper Story

As we creatively engage our fellow travelers with courage, compassion, and curiosity, an authentic connection marked by mutuality, reciprocity, respect, and dignity, will grow and develop. In this space, we will have the opportunity to cultivate a new story, one written with an eye to the needs and desires of both parties. We can pursue living with an orientation to developing meaning, pursuing the dreams of our shared wonder, cultivating purpose, and enjoying the abundance of the deeper life.

What is holding you back from the deeper life? What are the things in your story that are keeping you from engaging with yourself and others with compassion, curiosity, courage, and creativity? Unpack your story and engage in the deeper life today.

The Loss of Masculine Intimacy

Men are suffering

We need look no further than the rates of suicide, violence, addiction, sexual deviance, and escapism rampant in our society to see evidence of this. In spite of our "privileged" status, men are struggling to find and maintain meaningful, authentic, and sustained connections.

How is this possible in a society that by all accounts is more connected than ever? The answer is not difficult to find. Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly (2012), described an interaction with a man regarding shame. He said, "My wife and daughters...they'd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real. But c'mon. You can't stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that." The truth is simple, the vulnerable and authentic parts of men are not welcome in our culture. 

More than Sex

While some people acknowledge that men have unique needs, our culture has said that the majority of those needs are either base, erotic or both. In fact, adult men often experience very little affection apart from their primary partner or erotic encounters leaving them vulnerable to having their needs denied, or ignored if they fail to initiate.

Men have to work hard to meet their needs. But there is a culturally induced shame associated with the very existence of masculine needs. Men have been cast as sexually driven, shallow and interested in nothing more than hedonistic conquest at the expense of their partners, but in actuality, they are merely trying in whatever way they can to meet the needs burning in their chest. Ironically, the partners of men also suffer because society has told them that sex is the primary way that men can meet their intimacy needs. So partners work to fulfill all the sexual desires that a man has, but in the process miss his genuine connection needs behind his sexuality.

The Bind

So we "man up." We put on a good face, one that will be acceptable to both the intimate and distant parts of our world. All the while hiding our face, ashamed of the fact that we are experiencing pain and challenge in the first place. We revisit our failures a million times to find how we could have avoided such defeat in the first place. We walk through life as though it were a minefield designed to expose our weaknesses, desperately attempting to hide the truth of our nakedness. Failing that, we steel ourselves to avoid any future failure, perceived or actual.

It is a rare space where a man can authentically show up. Church groups try to offer this, but too often it turns into an opportunity to fix anyone that presents with a genuine struggle. Or, rather than providing tangible presence, everyone merely validates his battle by admitting that they too struggle and push past the discomfort of exposure attempting to discuss something inane to deal with the awkwardness. The sports bar seems to be a possible space for masculine connection, but it also fails to let men remove the uniforms of their perspective sports teams or the social caricatures required of them.

In actuality, the precious few spaces that allow for men to be genuine and authentic are those spaces that are intentionally cultivated as such. All too often, this is the counseling office, the coffee shop, or the dark corner of the bar accompanied by a man strong enough to sit with weakness.

Cultivate the Space

Men, we need to work hard to rediscover and cultivate the spaces and the relationships that we need for wholeness. From this space of integration, we will have more to offer to our workplaces, families, partners, and friends.

THREE BASIC IDEAS FOR CULTIVATING INTIMACY

• Listening - If you consistently talk more than you hear when you get together with your friend(s), you're likely self-absorbed or a fixer.
• Compassion - Offer kindness, avoid judgment, and believe the best about his (and your) inner world.
• Curiosity - Ask questions to understand and invite your friend, rather than telling him how to change or fix.

Embrace Need and Vulnerability

Men need intimacy, not just sex. We need intimate connection with our partners, with our friends, with our families, and with our communities. This post is not an invitation to deny your strength or the masculine soul. Instead, it is an invitation to embrace the power required to admit our limits and live within our capacity, connected and known, joining with others in the ebb and flow of life, living together as co-contributors in our respective stories. So let's cultivate a space where we can dismount, get off our "white horse," remove our armor and share our true self, revoking the shame of our neediness and embracing those needs as the most profound strengths of our shared humanity.