Courage: Fighting for Connection

Contempt is a problem that impacts nearly every relationship, especially the ones we value most. Compassion and curiosity are the french-doors out of contempt, but orienting toward someone in this way requires a tremendous amount of courage. 

Discernment in Courage

The courage required to connect with compassion and curiosity is sadly not a black and white proposition. It requires discernment and an awareness of the situation that accounts for and appropriately regards the level of investment, intimacy, and connection inherent to that relationship. This type of vulnerability requires us to yield some level of comfort and expose ourselves to the possibility of being hurt. Therefore, courage is a must if we are to pursue and enjoy the depth and richness that we all desire in our most intimate relationships. 

Discernment means that we ought to measure our exposure carefully. A discerning posture does not mean that we shy away from engagements that could be difficult, nor does it say that we dive headlong into any issue we may stumble upon. Instead, it means that we choose well those engagements that would benefit both ourselves and the people with whom we are in relationship.

Whenever we step into the realm of the heart, we are engaging with the styles of relating and the patterns that we have all learned throughout our stories. Generally, our family-of-origin provided a template for our interpersonal experiences, a lens through which we make sense of the relational world. 

Courage toward self and others

Courage, however, is a two-way street. To operate in courage in our intimate relationships, we must also move with courage in the exploration and engagement of our own story. Just like our partners and friend, we are influenced, encouraged, and harmed in our stories. Understanding these unique contributions requires that we regularly reflect on where our story has and is continuing to impact interactions and relationships in the present. 

For example, a friend of mine has often commented that he appreciates how much I'm trying to grow and learn. Recently we were connecting over a delicious brewed beverage, and he observed that I had a lot of ideas and things to say. Encouraged, I felt free to share even more of the ideas and thoughts that I was trying to process through. He validated what I was sharing by suggesting I write some of these things in a blog or a book. However, he also gently observed that I was taking up an inordinate amount of space in the conversation. His kind observation was a courageous and compassionate confrontation inviting me to create more space for mutuality in our discussion. In this confrontation, he offered me an invaluable opportunity to be curious about my own story (what makes it so crucial for me to be heard?) and to cultivate connection more intentionally with his.

To sum up:

1. Courage is an action that is saturated with discernment
2. Courage is a necessary part of engaging with others in intimate relationship
3. Courage is an essential part of exploring your own story

Compassionate curiosity, when pursued with courage in the context of relationship results in space to creatively weave our story together with our partner or friend; it orients us toward the rich tapestry of human connection. So courage is pursued in our orientation toward ourselves, in our perspective of others, and in the unique blend that results from the interweaving of our individual story with the stories that are happening all around us. Courage is neither foolhardy nor complacent; rather it is engaging the heart while intentionally bringing life, restoration, and wholeness in the writing of today's stories.